Sometimes I sit at home and wish I could just quit school and get a job and get the fuck out of this house with my son and my dog. I feel like such a loser here at home trying to get some studying done with all the chaos around me and all the negative comments about me flying out my dad's mouth. I wish this process was more bearable.
Sometimes I wish the plan was not to trade this lifestyle in for another very similar lifestyle (except with my boyfriend) after graduation. He tends to disregard what I feel, what I do, what I want in life. But I know he loves me and my son and that's why I stay. He seems to know what's best for me. Even though I may not always agree.
When I was younger, I tried to become a software engineer. I really
hated programming, but I knew I could make a lot of money and help my
parents buy a house if I became a software engineer. I think I had 9
more units to go when I dropped out of college and got pregnant.
I was pregnant with Adrian when thoughts of this ideal career path presented itself to me. My dream was to become a psychotherapist or a naturopathic doctor, or an acupuncturist, or something to help other people in their path to wellness, but that requires a lot of school. It was very late in the game when I felt this path would be right for me. I still had to finish my undergraduate degree.
I was so adamant about not going back to the little engineering college I went to to finish up. I decided to go to San Francisco State University instead to study psychology. That would mean more school afterwards if I wanted to be a therapist.
My boyfriend is pushing 40 and would like to start a family of his own. He doesn't make a lot of money, so he's waiting for me to finish school and get a job making at least $50K per year so we can start a family together. It wouldn't be right if I went for my masters or my PhD right after graduation. That means he wouldn't be able to start a family until his mid-40's.
My job experience is mostly in signmaking and printing. I thought it would be logical to finish school with a degree in some kind of graphic design. So I decided to change my major so I can just get a job right out of college. This would make my parents happy and my boyfriend happy.
My son wants a little brother. My parents want me to have a job and help them out as they grow older. My boyfriend wants his own children and to be a stay-at-home dad. There's a lot of people here to please.
It's just hard when I hear negative comments. My dad's just full of them. And my boyfriend is like, "hurry up and graduate."
I feel so guilty here when I have to use my weekend time to study. I wish I had money to bring Adrian out for a day of fun on Saturday. He's just here sitting on the couch watching television. I feel so terrible.
